'Hello. I've waited here for you - Everlong.'
Listening to: Jewel - Near you always
Feeling: Unsure.
Wow. Been a while since I wrote.
Well, Extension portfolio, PIP and Drama night have all been and gone. thanks to everyone who came to see us perform. We had lots of fun. For those of you who didn't... it's your loss. So ner.
Today is the sunday before my maths and english extension exam. I feel like I should be more worried about them than I am. To be honest I really just can't be bothered. I'm far too distracted by the fact that I'm leaving school in about a month. It feels unbelievably weird. There's some people from school who I might never see again (Not such a bad thing in some cases)...
I was supposed to go to a party last night. But the party didn't happen which was a bit dissapointing. I had drinks and everything. Got home about quarter to two in the morning feeling thoroughly deflated and very un-partied out.
I'm dissapointed in a few things, actually.
- Maybe I'm just the sort of person who's easily dissapointed. It's weird how I can have so much respect for someone and then, within a matter of seconds, they completely blow it. Then again, he is male. Oh no. I sound like a feminist.
- I don't understand myself sometimes. One minute I'll be absolutely loving everything around me - my life, my mates... everything. And then the next I'll be filled with this awful doubt...start askin myself whether this is what I really want to be doing. Everytime it happens I tell myself that I'll go into hibernation for a couple of weeks. But I never do. And the cycle repeats itself. Weird, yeah? I don't think that's what friendship is supposed to feel like.
- And I'm dissapointed that I've let myself drift away from people who I'm fond of... because when I see them, it's a joy and a heartbreak at the same time. Like it's good to see them after all this time, yet I wish I had never stopped being around them, because looking at them again makes me remember what it used to be like.
- I wish it was easier to define the way I feel about somebody. because being in the limbo between 'friend' and 'possibly more than friend' is an awful place to be, especially when I don't know if it's just 'all in my head'... And the more I think about it, the more i convince myself of things that I know, deep down, simpy aren't true. I wish I wasn't so jealous... I also wish I could think of a better word than 'jealous' to describe this situation. It just doesn't do it justice.
- I can't even write a song about these things anymore. My brain won't form words, and when it does, they don't say what I want them to. And I am absolutely terrified that i've lost my muse.
If you think any of this is about you, chances are it probably isn't. So don't stress.
I'm sorry to rant and be so disjointed.
I had to get it off my chest.
K
